There are things that go bump in the night. There are things that hunger for human flesh. Where’s a sonic screwdriver when you need one, asks travel writer PAUL COLE.
THE voice is unmitakable. “Oh hello. You’re just in time.
“There are things going on in here that don’t make any sense. I’ve never seen readings like this before.”
It’s David Tennant.
Or rather Doctor Who.
“The TARDIS was drawn to this point in time and space.
“It just doesn’t make any sense.
“Well, not perfect sense.
“Look at this scale.
“A reading this far on the scale can only indicate that there are Daleks in the vicinity.
“Right here in London.
“You see, all life-forms here ….”
He breaks off distractedly as if sensing some great universal truth.
“Oh no, no, no, no, no. Don’t tell me a rift in time and space has been opened!
“Because if so, I can imagine what else has come through.
“And it won’t be good things
“Cybermen. Remember the Cybermen.
“That’s just the start.
“So be careful. Be careful. Be very, very careful.”
There are, in fact, all manner of aliens lurking in the basement of the Earls Court exhibition centre in London.
And most of them have a taste for humans.
It’s a monster convention. In more ways that one.
As telly’s top Time Lord welcomes you to Britain’s biggest-ever Dr Who exhibition, his computer-animated warning is an understatement.
Virtually all the nasties from the revived sci-fi show are here. If Christopher Eccleston or David Tennant has faced them, then so shall you.
From the tiny Dalek emperor floating in a glass case to the room-sized spider Empress of Racnoss, the original props are here to scare you back behind the sofa.
‘Welcome to the end of the world’ reads the message scrawled on the wall as you enter a subterranean maze of dark passageways where menace lurks round every corner.
From the Auton shop mannequins that scared young Rose Tyler so badly to the 10ft tall Slitheen, all baby face and giant pincers, it’s Who heaven for fans.
There’s the strongman Sycorax warrior defeated by Eccleston (“Why shouldn’t I have a Northern accent? Every planet has a north!) in an early episode.
And speaking of up north, there’s the bloated Abzorbaloff memorably hammed up by Peter Kay, the faces of his victims still bulging in his beer belly.
The frightening feline Sisters of Plenitude are here; cosmetic surgery addict Cassandra is stretched out; the ugly Ood make several sinister appearances.
Then there are the seriously scary villains – the shambling Scarecrow, the clockwork tick-tock terror that brought violence to Versailles; the stone angel that you had to watch carefully. Blink and you’re dead.
There are good guys, too. The Face of Boe floats in his tank (can he really be Cap’n Jack Harkness?); K9 wags his tail and rotates his ears; there are costumes worn by Rose Tyler and Martha Jones.
Each area boasts giant video screens replaying action scenes to match the exhibits, and there are interactive touch screens so you can recap on any episode from the most recent three series.
The TARDIS Chromakey Dome uses blue screen technology to put you at the helm of the most famous police box in the galaxy, and several figures leap into action at the touch of a big red button.
One gallery takes you through the process of making a monster, with the actual models and moulds used to create the Ood. You can even make the ugliest of the villains blink and frown.
It’s bang up to date, with the Host - those angry angels from the Titanic Christmas special – guarding the exit. And speaking of angels, there’s the cheeky chambermaid outfit worn by Kylie!
Organisers promise that fresh exhibits will be added as episodes from the new series are screened on BBC1 from next month. Watch the show screens carefully and there’s a sneak preview of what’s to come.
Can that really be a Sontaran mercenary?
But, of course, no Doctor Who spectacular would be complete without the oldest enemies of all. And they’re a devastating double act. Between them, they’ve conquered the Earth more than once.
Enter the Cyberzone for smoke and mirrors magic. As the Cyberman invasion plays out under your feet, the Cyber Controller sits on his throne and his minions stand in your way. This is the world of steel.
And if you hear the heavy clump of feet, beware. The Cybermen make surprise appearances from time to time, marching through the corridors. If you are not compatible, you will be deleted.
They’ve got nothing on our friends from Skaro, though.
A health and safety poster on the wall bears a stark message:
“WARNING! Entry not advisable for those of a nervous disposition, pregnant, suffering from ill-health or with a heart condition.”
Yes, it’s the Dalek Encounter.
And, let’s be honest, it’s the one you’ve been waiting for. They’ve been around as long as Doctor Who, and they’re still the most evil of his alien adversaries.
Just how a dustbin equipped with a sink plunger and an egg whisk can be so menacing remains a mystery, but Terry Nation’s creation has terrified generations, and boosted sofa sales throughout the known universe.
Cue spooky music (remember the operatic version of the Dr Who theme tune played as the earth was laid waste?) and some live action adventure high on flashing lights, smoke and that unmistakable utterance.
EX-TER-MIN-ATE!
Three Daleks engage in a seek and destroy exercise – and they know where you are. There are further static Dalek displays for those who dare not enter the Encounter, including one the kids can sit inside.
In all, there are more than 100 exhibits down here, more than enough to satisfy even the most ardent anorak. A similar exhibition in Manchester last year attracted a quarter of a million visitors.
And that was just a third the size of the Earls Court equivalent.
Then, after an hour or so’s exploration, it’s all over. ‘Back To Earth’ a signpost suggests - and it’s certainly that. In best theme park tradition, you have to pass through the merchandise mountain in the shop to get out.
Now that’s something not even a Time Lord can beat. Parents beware.
