Fogies on the road

Jun 14 2008 by Hilarie Stelfox, Huddersfield Daily Examiner

‘My son is the sort of person who could make sunbathing into a competitive sport’

FIRSTBORN has a T-shirt that says ‘To save time, let’s just assume I know everything.’

It was bought by his grandparents, who clearly understand him better than I thought they did.

Or it may just be that his grandfather recognises a chip off the old block.

Anyway, I mention this because The Boy has reached the age where he’s started to think he’s rather better at almost everything than we are. We being the old fogies.

His expertise now runs to driving a licensed motor vehicle on the public highway.

Whenever he’s a front seat passenger in my car I get a running dialogue on road sign interpretation, snippets of information from the Highway Code and helpful directions as to how I can improve my driving.

“Do you know what the stopping distance is at 50mph?’’ he said the other morning as we bowled along the by-pass. (The answer is 53 metres, according to the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents).

And: “Do you know the difference between a puffin and pelican crossing?’’ At first I thought he’d made this one up as I’ve never heard of puffin crossings and began idly wondering whether there are penguin crossings too. But I didn’t say this for fear of being ridiculed.

“I did an emergency stop in my driving lesson yesterday,” he said, with a certain pride. “On purpose. Do you know how to do one properly?

“And what do you do if your car starts to skid?”

I dropped him off at this point. On purpose.

That night he challenged me to a driving test contest. My son is the sort of person who could make sunbathing into a competitive sport. I’m going to buy him a T-shirt that says ‘To save time let’s just assume I’ll beat you.’

I also have a competitive streak and, the older he gets, the more important it is for me to prove that I can still give him a run for his money (which is my money, anyway).

And so, I sat down at the computer with a copy of the Driving Test Success DVD – which he had to initialise and set up for me, as my driving abilities certainly outstrip my ICT prowess.

Now, I should point out that, not only is it many years since I read the Highway Code, but it is also nearly 30 years since I took my driving test or had a lesson. In those days there was no theory test, candidates simply sat in their car with the examiner and answered a selection of questions, some of which related to flash cards with road signs printed on them.

The test began with a series of multiple choice questions – don’t all exams these days – about the use of the hard shoulder on motorways, give ways signs, when to use dipped headlights, mobile phone usage and the dreaded puffin crossings etc. Clearly I should have been paying more attention to Firstborn because I didn’t know my puffins from pelicans.

I also didn’t know that the Highway Code specifies no-one should park within 10 metres of a junction, which came as something of a surprise as this must be the most flouted rule in the book.

The second part of the test is called Hazard Perception and is a sort of computer game. In fact, it’s just the sort of computer game that I hate.

Fourteen short clips of car journeys are shown and you have to click the computer mouse when encountering a hazard – pedestrian about to step out onto the road, poor visibility around parked cars etc.

I didn’t do so well at this, possibly because the picture seemed to be a bit blurry (first rule of the Highway Code – wear your glasses) and I started to feel nauseous with all the lurching around corners and fast-moving scenery. It also didn’t help that, in some clips, I thought I was the car in front.

But, overall, I scored 88% – enough to pass. Only just. A pass mark is 86%.

Being completely rubbish at computer games probably didn’t help and I think that, with practice and a bit of swotting the Highway Code, I could do better. I’m not sure how much virtual Hazard Perception tests real driving ability, however, I bet the current generation of arthritic-thumbed Gameboys and gamegirls are good at it.

So far, Firstborn’s best score is 100% and he clearly expected me to fail. Although I’m not entirely sure why.

But I didn’t and, what’s more, 28 years ago I passed my practical driving test at the first attempt.

I have challenged him to do the same because two can play at this game.

Now I’m waiting to see if I can get myself a T-shirt that says: ‘I passed my driving test first time. Did you?’