THIS is a FANTASTIC column. It really was an AMAZING first line and the second line was UNBELIEVABLE too!

If you haven’t guessed, I’m doing a passable impression of a football commentator.

Finished are the days of good saves and accurate passes, abandoned in favour of the hyperbole for all aspects of the game.

Goalies now don’t just keep the ball out of their net – they make FABULOUS saves. Heaven forbid they make two saves in quick succession – or a double save as they used to be called – as Paddy Kenny did at the weekend for QPR.

I thought the commentator may need to retire to a cool, darkened room in order to calm down from the excitement.

I'm not sure whether it’s an organised conspiracy, general shift in attitude or me becoming more pernickety but the football commentators’ increasing use of over-the-top language to describe general aspects of play is becoming laughable.

Why I suggest the theory of an organised conspiracy is because people are now paying so much for their football – be that at turnstile, satellite TV or via the licence fee – is there is a higher burden of responsibility for entertainment passed on by the payee to the broadcaster?

So you can’t have someone forking out for a dull 0-0 draw. That would no doubt be described these days as a defensive masterclass – or alternatively a blistering contest which saw a host of missed chances from misfiring strikers.

By general shift, is the language of the tabloids (and the excitement that it, albeit in the short-term, generates) being copied by commentators?

Games are now ‘clashes’ with players ‘facing-off’ against each other to try and ‘topple’ their respective teams from the league’s ‘summit’ - or, heaven forbid, ‘lift themselves from the drop-zone.’

My colleague actively winces when ex-Sky pundit Andy Gray used to tell players ‘take a bow, son’ after some slightly above perfunctory act.

It reminds me of the scene in the Simpsons where a ‘soccer’ game is held in Springfield.

It’s Mexico v Portugal and as the ball is played around in midfield from the kick-off an American commentator listlessly tells how ‘he holds it’ in a bored monotone, punctuated with sighs. The Mexican commentator, in comparison, says exactly the same words, but imbues his commentary with high-tension and near-hysteria.

Or maybe, as I say, it’s just me.

Whichever it is – and I actually hope it’s me as the other choices would be too depressing – I think I’ll give the Simpsons the last word on how to advertise football.

From the same episode, which it called The Cartridge Family from Season Nine for those of you interested, the ad to promote the match above promises ‘It’s all here – fast-kicking, low scoring, and ties? You bet!’

Now can you imagine Alan Green saying that?