AS I hurtle ever onwards towards the onset of middle age I reckon I’m becoming more accident prone.
The incidents that befall me and the injuries left as a result won’t be making the headlines in the same way as Olympic and Tour De France winner Bradley Wiggins, who suffered a broken rib and damaged hand when he was knocked off by a van pulling out of a garage forecourt in Wrightington, Lancashire.
For one, I have a bike that’s never really gone any further than the garage. And two, it’s now under so much stuff we pile in there I’d probably end up crushed if I did try to retrieve it.
No, my injuries come from the hustle and bustle of domestic life coupled with the foolishness of trying to eat healthily.
And they have left me with a pain in the ... thumb, finger and toe.
The first calamity came when I walked into ‘the danger zone.’ Basically our bedroom which I’ve walked into hundreds of thousands of times.
And for months, probably years, we’ve had an old wind-up gramophone in its case strategically-placed for a reason I can no longer fathom – except possibly to wind me up – next to the chest of drawers.
Perhaps it had been moved, perhaps it was me getting blasé in the way I walked past it without even noticing for so long, but I caught my toes against it.
Ouch. But the ouch always comes after a mili-second when it doesn’t hurt but you know it’s then going to be exceptionally painful. Why is that?
Is it the nervous system giving the brain that time just to adjust to the fact that you’re going to be in imminent pain. Long enough to prepare but not long enough for your life to pass by you or to stop a curse.
So that was injury number one. A bruised little toe that hurt for days in an especially annoying manner.
Second was a total freak. Topping the car up with anti-freeze and water it needs to be a 50/50 mix so I used an empty soup can, cleaned it up and put the mix in, poured it into the car and then thought I’d keep the can for the next time.
As I walked back to the garden shed the can which was upside down on top of the plastic anti-freeze bottle was caught by a gust of wind, fell off and as it went down caught my finger and sliced into it.
If I tried to do that again I’d have no chance of succeeding in ‘a month of Sundays’ as the saying goes
Two injuries down but, as these things come in threes, just the one to go. And it’s all down to healthy eating.
A while back we spent a night at a spa hotel that insisted on everyone eating healthily to feel good on the inside no matter how they may have looked on the outside.
Breakfast was plain yoghurt, honey, nuts and raisins. It was okay so we’ve tried to keep on with it.
No problem over the last 18 months or so until last week I got a fresh tub of yoghurt out in a bit of a rush, grabbed the plastic top which then sliced straight into the end of my thumb. Another irritating injury as every time I tried to do something it started to bleed again.
So three domestic incidents, three injuries and where there’s blame there’s a claim.
I’m expecting to hear from my lawyers any day now.