My wife Maria and I do most things together. For the last 10 days we have been mainly coughing.

Mine is like Vesuvius on the brink of eruption; hers is more like rolling thunder.

We have been sitting around at home like gods conversing on Mount Olympus. Goodness knows what the neighbours think. They keep running out into the road and looking at the sky for the next storm.

We have discovered the only way to watch television is if a programme has subtitles or just happens to be sport. I never like listening to the commentators anyway.

Maria’s cough developed from a cold. I don’t know whether I caught a mutated strain of the same virus but, 10 days ago I was normal (well, as normal as you might expect), until I got a severe bout of the cold shivers for no apparent reason. I spent the whole night under the covers doing an impression of Shakin’ Stevens.

The next day the shakes abated. Ah, I thought. I’ve beaten the bug. I should have known better, the bug was only having a tea break and when it returned it gave me a sore throat.

This went from irritation to barbed wire within a day and I began self medicating on Tunes, throat sprays and extra strength lozenges.

A friend phoned just as I went into one of those coughing fits that threaten molten lava.

“Sorry about that,” I said when I could speak again and I explained the symptoms.

“There’s a lot of it about,” he said.

There probably is but why it is staying at our house for so long? There must be better places to visit.

Apart from anything else, my hair is getting long. I was going to get it trimmed last week but got the shakes.

This week the coughing fits are in full flow. Neither condition recommends itself when putting your head in the hands of a man wielding scissors.

“Whoops! Sorry about that. I appear to have cut your ear off.”

“Pardon?”

I’m hoping the bug will soon have had enough of Double Impact Covonia Lozenges. I have, even though they seem to be the only things that work. The downside is I’m turning into Menthol Man and my breath can peel paint.

Not that I’m one to complain. Much.

Another thing that helps ease the soreness is the intake of fluids so I might as well have another pint as I wait for this malady to pass. Purely for medical reasons, of course.

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