A FEW quick jokes to make you smile on a Monday.

I told my mum I’d opened a theatre. She said: “Are you having me on?” I said: “Well, I’ll give you an audition but I’m not promising anything.”

This cowboy walked into a German car showroom and said: “Audi!”

I was stealing in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I went to the local video shop and said: “Can I borrow Batman Forever?” And the chap said: “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow.”

The recruitment consultant asked me: “What do you think of voluntary work?” I said: “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”