350g butter, diced, at room temperature

350g unrefined dark Muscovado sugar

1kg dried fruits – I use a mix of soft figs, prunes, apricots, candied peel and natural-coloured glace cherries

500g dried vine fruits – raisins, sultanas and currants (I use only a few currants)

5 large free-range eggs, good and fresh

100g ground almonds

150g toasted shelled hazelnuts

5 tbsps Old Peculier ale or similar

The grated zest and juice of 1 lemon

The grated zest and juice of 1 orange

½ tsp baking powder

350g plain flour

A suitable cake tin (ideally 9-10inches, with a removable base)

A little melted butter for greasing

First, prepare your cake tin. Brush the tin lightly with butter, and line with greaseproof paper. You will need a circular base, and a ‘collar’ to stand at least two inches above the top of the tin.

Using scissors snip about a third of the way up the collar at ½-inch intervals (this makes it easier to fold inside the tin), butter the collar lightly, and push gently into the tin, pushing the paper into the corners. It’s very fiddly, but be patient. Then, butter the central base piece, and slip it into the tin.

Set the oven to Gas 3 / 325°F / 170°C. In a mixer, whip the butter and sugar together until very pale. It should take about 10 minutes. While this is being beaten, chop the larger fruit into smaller pieces. I quarter the apricots, prunes and figs, and also remove any hard stalks.

Now add the eggs, one by one, to the butter and sugar. The mixture will split, but that’s not a problem. Tip this into a large bowl, and add the fruit, the vine fruit, the nuts, the juice and zest and the ale. Mix very well. Sift the flour and baking powder together and fold gently into the cake mix. One final mix (I believe here’s the point where one makes a wish – my standard wish is that the cake won’t explode in the oven) and tip the mixture gently and evenly into your prepared tin, smoothing the top.

Bake for 1 hour, without opening the door of the oven, then turn the heat down to Gas 2 / 300°F / 150°C and bake for a further 2 hours or so. As with most cakes, here’s the really tricky bit – deciding if the cake’s done or not. I test mine by inserting a cold skewer into the centre of the cake and withdrawing it after a few seconds. There should be no liquid residue, just a few greasy crumbs. If the cake appears done, remove it from the oven and allow to cool before unwrapping it, and re-wrapping for storage in greaseproof paper and tinfoil.

You can skewer the cakes and ‘feed’ them more ale over the next few weeks, or you could up the booze levels and use Madeira or Cognac. And please, don’t forget to order the Wensleydale or crumbly Lancashire to go with it.

The final task is Herculean; can you leave the cake alone until Christmas?