IF I had to write a list of all the songs I hated there’d be no rainforests left by the time I’d finished.

But there is a category of music which deserves an super-sized blast of vitriol.

In the list of shame below, you won’t find novelty trash, X-Factor discharge or even Timmy Mallett. You will however find some of the most cynical and insidious excuses for sound ever recorded. These are songs where the slimy, the morally bankrupt and the outright lazy have sneaked up behind the record buying public, tapped them gently on the shoulder and cudgeled them in the nose before calmly strolling away with their last 50p.

10) Bon Jovi - Always

Arena rock stinks. Arena rock ballads smell worse. But you can always rely on Bon Jovi to come up with something even worse than that. Even by Bon Jovi’s exactingly poor standards, this is total trousers. It’s an overwrought, wilfully stupid chunk of commercial rubbish.

9) The Offspring - Why Don’t You Get A Job?

This mob of middle-aged multi-millionaires have been making wonga for years by clumsily trying to get down with the kids, which is sinister. This particularly lame offering comprises singer Dexter Holland’s off-key honk over a junior school band’s attempt at the Beatles’ Ob La Di Ob La Da.

8) Oasis - All Around The World

When Oasis were at their most narcissistic they managed to salvage this lump of scrap from the wreckage. It has all the worst traits of Oasis – limp guitars, hackneyed lyrics, plodding tempo – condensed into one drab, cliche-ridden trudge of a song.

7) Feeder - Buck Rogers

Lyrically you’re going to struggle to spawn something as stubbornly atrocious and meaningless as this sub-sub-substandard offering. Lines like: “get a house in Devon/drink cider from a lemon” wouldn’t merit a ‘C’ grade in a Borstal literacy class.

6) Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmastime

Christmas songs are almost invariably awful but – novelty and charity nonsense aside – this is the exceptionally lousy.

5) Lenny Kravitz - Fly Away

This is what happens when you have one idea for a song and release it before you’ve thought of another. And yes, Lenny, we did notice your attempt to rhyme ‘fly’ with ‘dragonfly’.

4) Madonna - Hung Up

Abba do the hard work so you don’t have to. Madge borrows ‘Man After Midnight’ and makes a few unremarkable changes. Very, very lazy.

3) Robbie Williams - Rock DJ

When Robbie came to collect an award for this complacent muzak he declared to the assembled company that it wasn’t much good. He was right, but he was effectively telling his fans they were stupid.

2) Toploader - Dancing In The Moonlight

Admitting to liking Toploader is as good as saying you’re not massively keen on music. Unfortunately this execrably smug and dreary supermarket song shares it’s name with a great tune by Irish rockers Thin Lizzy.

1) Lighthouse Family - Lifted

Imagine if lettuce, or any other bland, unloved vegetable, could make music. Imagine if vacuum cleaners could form bands. It still wouldn’t sound anything like as dismal as this shower of easy-listening drizzle. It’s rare that something can be so inoffensive it’s positively offensive, but Lighthouse Family have managed this near-impossible but dubious feat.