Researchers at Portsmouth University have been studying the methods of professional burglars.

They found they entered houses by the back door and targeted what are described as “high value” areas such as bedrooms, studies and living rooms.

This survey was obviously conducted to rigorous standards using six serial offenders, each conducting a mock burglary.

But what if it wasn’t? What if someone had pretended to set themselves up as an academic with a clipboard and sent six burglars into six different houses?

“Now people, to make this seem real we have set you objectives.

“Shifty Sharon, I want you to get me a white iPad. Devious Dan, your target is a Blackberry. Back Door Barry, I want you to get a laptop. Sneaky Sid, get an X Box and Silent Sam grab some cash.

“Kevin you can go home. I don’t understand cat burglars. Once you’ve stolen one cat, why would you want to steal another?”

And, as the gang disappear into the night, the scam researcher can tick the items off her Christmas list as a job well done. That is as long as none of them meet a parrot.

Parrots are, of course, an occasional hazard for burglars. Devious Dan met one on a previous job after he broke into a darkened back room through French windows.

“Jesus is watching you,” a voice said, which brought Dan up short.

“Who’s there?” he said.

“Jesus is watching you,” said the voice – and the beam of his torch found a parrot in its cage.

“Who are you?” said Dan, highly relieved.

“I’m Moses.”

“What sort of idiot would call a parrot Moses?”

“The same sort of idiot who would name a Rottweiler Jesus,” said the parrot.

Dr Claire Nee and her associates conducted the experiments to shed light on the thought processes of offenders.

“It sounds obvious that people who have been jailed for committing serial burglaries are experts at stealing,” she said.

Actually, if they are serial offenders who have been caught many times they don’t sound like very good experts. However, you get the drift.

“But we didn’t have any understanding of what exactly they do or don’t do. We didn’t know how they think or the way they approach the job of stealing.”

One revelation was that they rarely entered bathrooms.

Well, you can’t exactly flush the loo when you’re robbing the place, can you? Which has led Dr Nee to suggest: “If you’ve got something valuable you really want to protect, you might be better off hiding small things among the toothbrushes.”

Which would have been great advice until it was published in newspapers. Now bathrooms will be the first place they look.

Better to get a parrot.