There is a cornucopia of activities being celebrated this week and this month.

Today is the start of Walk To School Week, British Tomato Week and, by cunning coincidence, National Vegetarian Week.

Walk To School Week is to encourage youngsters to take more exercise which will, according to the sponsors, make children healthier and happier.

Not if they’re teenagers, it won’t.

“What do you mean you won’t give me a lift to school? I’ll be late.”

“Not if you set off now.”

“But I don’t want to set off now. I want a lift.”

Most teenagers, in my experience, get into the habit of being dissatisfied with anything their parents do, until they reach the age of maturity, which, in some cases, doesn’t happen until they are in their 40s.

A Get A Lift To School Week would probably raise just as many objections: “I don’t want to go with you. I want to walk.”

I am all in favour of British Tomato Week as I love the fruit. And yes, it is a fruit, unless you are a pedantic American. Apparently, the Supreme Court of that country declared it to be a vegetable in 1886 so that tax could be imposed on imports from the West Indies.

Anything for money. Even denying a fruit’s botanical heritage.

National Vegetarian Week is hoping to persuade people to be healthier by not eating meat. The aim is to encourage people to try new foods and discover that a meat-free menu can be delicious and healthy.

Finally, this is also the start of National Smile Month, which is sponsored by the British Dental Health Foundation, who suggest proper mouth hygiene can only be achieved by brushing twice a day for two minutes on each occasion.

This will keep your teeth healthy and white and encourage you to smile and, as everyone knows, one smile leads to another: it’s catching. It’s also good for you. Smiling reduces stress and lowers your heart rate. So, to help everyone start the day with a toothy grin I offer a few silly jokes.

  • How do you stop a snake from striking?

Pay it decent wages.

  • What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can’t tuna fish.

  • What do you call two rows of cabbages?
  • A dual cabbageway.
  • Why did the chicken cross the playground?
  • To get to the other slide.
  • And finally, (courtesy of Susan Kirby of Netherton), where do you weigh a pie?

Over the rainbow, of course: “Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie.”

I know it’s old. But it’s still funny.