I think I may have tennis elbow and I’ve never played the game in my life, I don’t have a girlfriend who swears at opponents and I haven’t become a millionaire by banging a ball across a net.

Which is a bit annoying. I mean, if I have a condition to do with tennis, I wouldn’t mind if I had got something out of the sport.

It’s like falling down injured in the street and claiming a penalty when you’re a mile away from the nearest football pitch. And if I tried that I’d probably get a yellow card for simulation from a passing bobby.

“That lady with the pram was nowhere near you. Get up, you softie. Don’t you know shopping is a contact sport.”

If I’m getting a little off the point it’s probably because I’m weak with the affliction and hallucinations have set in.

The soreness started a few days ago. Just a little twinge which got worse.

Now I have no strength in my left hand, straightening my left arm has become a slow manoeuvre that is negotiated around the pain barrier and I go to bed sleeping like Napoleon.

If it is tennis elbow, I will be relieved because I thought it might be something deadly that I’d never heard of that would result with a doctor donning a black cap and saying: “Sorry. The arm will eventually drop off. Look on the bright side, the condition could have struck somewhere more sensitive.”

It was my old chum David Woodhead who said: “You’ve probably got Denis elbow” on the grounds that when he owned the Jacob’s Well he saw me bending my elbow on a regular basis while standing at the bar.

The National Health Service website described the symptoms and I’ve got the lot. It says clinically the condition is called lateral epicondylitis, which sounds much more impressive.

“Tennis elbow is usually caused by overusing the muscles attached to your elbow and used to straighten your wrist.”

And adds: “It is sometimes caused by playing tennis. However, it is often caused by other activities that place repeated stress on the elbow joint, such as decorating or playing the violin.”

Decorating? Playing the violin? I’ve never been on the fiddle in my life.

All I can think is that it is related to repetitive strain injury which might be caused by my incessant use of a computer keyboard. Five hours a day before a screen must take some toll.

I am not making light of a condition that is painful, can be debilitating and is apparently suffered by as many as one in three people at any given time. But I am hoping that my case is at the bottom end of the spectrum and may clear up in a couple of weeks.

Arthritis Research UK suggests exercises to alleviate the pain and prevent future symptoms.

These include twisting and lifting the wrist while holding a can of beans, turning and flexing the wrist and, my favourite, elbow bending.

I shall be doing that tonight ... in the pub.