For the rest of this week I may be spending a lot of time on my back.

And no, my wife Maria has not read Fifty Shades of Grey and bought duct tape from B&Q and a blindfold from Anne Summers.

Nor does she have plans to tie me down with only a Des O’Connor record for company.

The motivation for a prone position is that this is National Bed Month and, to be honest, I have an abiding affection for my bed.

I don’t need much encouragement to climb upon it for a lie down, to watch TV, read a book, surf the web, check out Facebook, write this column or even, on occasions, have a snooze.

As a now defunct newspaper used to say: All human life is there.

But wait, it gets better. This is also Sleep Awareness Week which exhorts the health benefits of a good night’s sleep and it also coincides with both Time For A Cuppa week and British Pie Week.

What more can I say? To ensure boredom doesn’t set in, Thursday is designated World Book Day so I shall make a point of starting that Jo Nesbo thriller I’ve been meaning to get round to but which is so large (it’s a hardback copy of 518 pages) you need to be in bed to be able to prop it up to read it.

All I need is a four-day menu for pies and the job’s a good ’un: pie and mushy peas, pie and mash, pie and baked beans, pie and chips. Sorted.

All washed down with lashings of hot tea. The tricky bit is selling the idea to my wife who will, after all, be supplying the pies and the tea.

It’s for research, love, honestly. It will give me something to write about in the Examiner while informing all my chums about the benefits of pies, bed, sleep, tea and literature.

What? You want a book for Thursday, as well? Fifty Shades to do your own research? Oo-er. Oh.

Fifty Shades of Magnolia? You want the back bedroom decorating? Are you sure? I can supply my own Des O’Connor record and there’s some duct tape in the garage?