It's official. We don’t like Mondays. A survey found a quarter of us suffer from Sunday night insomnia because we have to go back to work the next day.

So here’s something to smile about to lighten the gloom.

My mate went a bit off the rails when he was younger, which is probably why he’s no longer a train driver.

I can’t stop thinking about prisons; my mind works in strangeways.

If you made a belt out of old watch straps, would it be a waist of time?

It’s been hard to get over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. However, I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but couldn’t find any.

My grandad’s last words were: “You selfish boy!” So I respected his wishes and became a fishmonger.

Don’t you just hate it when you’re singing along to a song on the radio and the artist gets the words wrong?

I’ve just got hold of a lorryload of flat batteries – they were free of charge.

Breaking News: French Cheese factory explodes. Nothing left but de Brie.

I went to buy some tennis balls off eBay last night but the site kept crashing. Must be having problems with their server.

I was born to be a pessimist – my blood type is B Negative.

“The problem with quotes on the internet is that you can never tell if they’re genuine.” Winston Churchill, 1944.

Never get into a row with a physicist about the size of the universe. It goes on forever.

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my wife’s bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I’d never put it on in the first place.

I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The barman brought out a bloke who looked just like me.

While driving I had an accident with a magician. It wasn’t my fault, he came out of nowhere.

Every time the doorbell rings my dog goes and sits in the corner. He’s a boxer.