I’M a martyr to a good cause and it’s International Kissing Day tomorrow.

So if anyone wants to give me a smacker I’m ready and available. Please make an orderly queue by the bar and a stool will be available for me to stand on in case of tall ladies.

Years ago, before political correctness, there were kissing booths at village fetes.

Sixpence a snog – all good clean fun. Sadly, those days of innocence are long past. Can you imagine the furore today if one was suggested at the local carnival?

Celebrities, of course, get away with it. But it will cost you more than sixpence.

Sharon Stone auctioned a kiss for $50,000 to buy Thanksgiving dinners for the homeless. Charlize Theron went even better and sold a 20 second smooch for $140,000 for a children’s charity.

And then along came George Clooney to top them both when he auctioned mouth to mouth osculation for £350,000.

It’s just my personal opinion, of course, but I’d rather have five smackers from Sharon or two from Charlize, two tall girls for whom I would most definitely need to stand on a stool.

Sorry, George.

Kissing has even become a competition and a Thai couple set the world record in February for making one last 58 hours, 35 minutes and 58 seconds. Romeo and Juliet need not be worried. I’ve watched the video on YouTube. This contest was as passionate as eating tripe.

The organisers stipulate that lips must be touching at all time and couples must be awake for the duration. No rest breaks are allowed and one rule puts it all into perspective: “Incontinence pads or adult nappies are not allowed.”

Time to move swiftly on.

The study of kissing is called philematology and experts suggest it was mainly a Western practice that came late to places like Africa and Japan and was unknown in Ancient Egypt. Yet Ancient Greece and Rome were rampant with enthusiasm for a bit of mouth to mouth, as was India.

Kissing figures in fairy tales. A prince woke Sleeping Beauty with one and another fair maid turned a frog into a handsome beau with a kiss. Women have been kissing frogs ever since in the hope of attaining similar success but few do.

Parties in my early teens were never complete without a game of Postman’s Knock. Is that still allowed or has it been banned on grounds of health and safety?

A kiss, of course, is extremely personal. I remember my first real one at the age of 10 behind the school after lessons had ended for the day. It was summer, the sun was shining and she was blonde and blue eyed. Her friend watched giggling from a distance.

I was so smitten I missed my tram.

Now the most precious one I get is from another young lady who is also blonde and blue eyed and my wife doesn’t mind one bit.

It’s from my grand-daughter Jeannie who is 18 months old.