BY heck, but aren't I the lucky one? I've had a message from Tara the Medium saying that on Halloween my luck will change.
The message, rather disappointingly, came by email rather than by psychic experience, such as a beer glass moving of its own accord, or a black cat stopping as it crossed my path to give me a knowing stare.
“Dear Denis,” it said (the email, not the cat). “October 31, 2011 will be a very important date for you. On that night, at exactly midnight, something magic is going to happen in your life: Spiritual forces are going to grant you 12 months of Love, Luck, Money and Success!!!” (All of which were in capital letters and with three exclamation marks so it must be true!
“You’re going to have opportunities to win some significant amounts of money at games-of-chance, and make your love-life fulfilling. You’ll find solutions to your relationship problems, and your plans and projects will finally become concrete. And there’s much more.”
(As Jimmy Cricket used to say).
“All you need to draw a line through your painful past is a guide, someone who instructs you and tells you the secrets about exactly what to do, and when to do it. Then your life can start again on the Night of the Druids. Let that guide be… Your Druid Horoscope.”
By now, I had begun to suspect that this might not be as straight forward as it first seemed.
For a start, I haven't got a painful past or relationship problems. As for my love-life, well, that's none of your business, but I've no complaints.
So where was this all leading? Yes, you guessed it, guides needed paying.
“People come to see me every day for this kind of psychic work, and I usually charge them a fee of £299.95. But since I know how hard things are for you, and because I sincerely want to help you, all I’m asking you to pay is £19.95!!!”
Those exclamation marks again.
And she promises to sit up at midnight on Halloween directing spiritual forces in my direction.
The thing is, if she is raking in £300 a time from the people who see her every day, why does she need 20 quid from me, and how can she afford to stay awake all night on my cheap rate case? Especially as we'll be sitting awake with an eight hour time difference because she appears to be based in California.
I checked her website where she offers a free reading, and wait for it, there's more (and by now I had realised she wasn't as funny as Jimmy Cricket) she pledges: “I also agree to make your dearest wish come true for free.”
Now that's a trick worth seeing, especially if a million people all asked to win £100 million on the Euro Lottery on the same week.
I found her unsolicited invitation quite amusing but others on internet forums say beware.
Once hooked, Tara does not let go and sends scary messages to elicit more funds. Danger lurks – unless you send cash. That is if there really is such a person. One lady said she'd heard Tara was a bloke in Hong Kong.
It is, of course, just another scam, dangling an occult carrot to inveigle money from the gullible.
Needless to say, I will not be sending for my Druid Horoscope. Instead, I'm considering sending for a Jimmy Cricket Live DVD.
Much better value at £12.