WHEN I walk the dog through the woods I take a walking stick.

This gives me a rather gentrified air, particularly when I also use it as a shooting stick and lean back resting nonchalantly upon it while waiting for the dog to stop sniffing that particularly enticing aroma among the fern leaves and return to heel.

However, walking sticks should be allowed to be carried only by licence holders who have undergone extensive training because of their hidden dangers.

There are three warnings in particular I would give to anyone thinking of applying.

Using it as a shooting stick, for instance. One always has to be careful that the end is lodged in a place where it won’t suddenly slip away, leaving the leaner looking a right Charlie as he continues along the path sideways at a trot as if attempting the Gay Gordons while intoxicated.

This happened to me once and will not happen again. And yes, I did apologise to the lady for scaring her long-haired terrier.

Then there is the second cardinal rule – never poke it into holes. (The stick, not the terrier).

The dog and I were at the tail end of our walk when I noticed the hole at the side of the path by an exposed tree root.

There I was, in my shorts and walking shoes, more vulnerable than I could have imagined, and I poked the stick in. Mistake.

You should never poke your stick into a wasps’ nest. They don’t like it up ‘em, as Corporal Jones liked to proclaim. And neither did I as the wasps came out to investigate at ankle level and found my legs and the enticing bagginess of my shorts.

Rule number three. Never try to beat wasps from your legs while holding a walking stick – the wasps sting and the stick hurts.

I moved rapidly down the path, shaking my booty, as I believe Beyonce would put it. Even Arlene Philips would have given me full marks for effort, although my artistic interpretation may have been lacking.

It was 100 yards later when I managed to remove the last die-hard attacker from my sock where it was lurking for a final kamikaze attack.

I still carry a walking stick. But with great care and attention.