I NEVER knew we had a Minister for Waste. Or rubbish, if you like.

Someone in charge of bin collections, recycling, and trying to ensure Britain stops putting its rubbish in the ground in ever-decreasing landfill sites.

If we don’t meet targets set by the European Union in three years time the country will face massive fines.

And that won’t do, says Joan Ruddock, the waste minister. Or rubbish minister.

So the Government is asking for councils to start trials of pay-as-you-bin schemes.

This could mean wheeled bins fitted with microchips to measure the amount of rubbish you throw in. Too much and you get a bigger bill.

Throw less and you get a discount.

Then again, you could just have a bonfire in the backyard every Friday to get rid of it and pollute the whole neighbourhood.

Or wait until it’s dark and dump it in someone else’s bin or fly-tip it down the road or at a local beauty spot.

Nothing quite like dumped rubbish to set off a sylvan glade and host of golden daffodils.

Setting up a microchip pay-as-you-bin scheme will cost up to £200,000 per council and up to £500,000 a year to run. I wonder who will pay for that?

This news of even more taxes comes as the cost of living rises.

Soaring food prices have helped send it up by 6% in the last year. I don’t recall wages or pensions going up that much.

And what did the Government do when petrol went up because of the world financial situation? They slipped a bit more on the tax, as well, so that we are now paying £1 a litre.

Two-thirds of that is tax.

But are we downhearted?

Of course not. Christmas is coming and the geese are getting fat, which is just as well as there could be a shortage of turkeys because of bird flu.

It is predicted the festive season will cost us £53bn, with almost everybody overspending and making free use of plastic instead of cash, thus maintaining the spiral of financial instability and increased cost of living and the sense of going to hell in a handbasket.

And what will all that Christmas shopping mean – apart from bankruptcy and living on turnips when the Visa bill arrives mid-January?

That’s right. A lot more waste.

Minister for Rubbish? Take your pick.