If you’ve been out on a Saturday night then there’s only one way you’re going to feel half human on a Sunday morning.
I don’t mean a touch of the hair of the dog - or the what makes you bad makes you better - and I especially don’t mean the madness of some people that is to take in some fresh air and exercise.
The well known and trusted cure to a splitting headache and a tummy doing the samba is a full English - beloved of every meat eater from
But now, the nausea that you must conquer as a plate of glistening bacon, eggs, sausage, beans, mushrooms and fried bread s placed in front of you could be replaced by the terror that the plate could give you cancer.
The World Health Organisation (WHO) have ruled that, after a serious amount of research, processed meat poses a serious risk to your health.
And I mean that in addition to the battering your arteries would take from the greasy treats on your fry-up plate.
Anything from an animal which has been messed with to change the taste or make it last longer could see you pushing up daisies that bit quicker.
Bacon, sausages, salami, pepperoni, chorizo, corned beef are all off the menu as far as the WHO are concerned.
They say that during processing potentially carcinogenic compounds (the things that cause cancer) are formed.
But how much Cumberland or Lincolnshire do you need to get through to increase your risk.
Here’s the scary part - just 50g a day lifts your risk of developing bowel cancer by 18%.
To put it in context, that’s the weight of two small rashers or about three quarters of a medium sausage.
The WHO are so serious about the risks posed by bangers and their meaty chums that they’ve put them in Category 1 of cancer causing things.
You’ll be pleased to know that they now sit happily alongside fags and booze. And plutonium.
I know that black pudding can be a bit fatty but I never imagined that I may be as well taking a deep sniff of nuclear waste rather than a breakfast sandwich.
To be fair, that’s not quite right. The experts have been at pains to point out that just because corned beef is in Category Number 1, it’s not as harmful as plutonium.
It just means that it definitely can lead to cancer.
They’ve also been clear that it doesn’t mean you could pack in the chorizo and start on the Marlboros.
There’s over 1m deaths a year from smoking related cancers while just 34,000 from diets believed to be high in processed meats.
So what in real terms does an 18% increase in your risk mean?
Well at the minute you have a 6% chance of developing bowel cancer.
If you, like most of the population, enjoy processed meat regularly then your odds go up to one in seven.
Red meat has also been flagged up as probably carcinogenic - so that’s something else you should avoid.
There’s no doubt that this information is real. But what difference will it make?
When you go to a B&B they aren’t going to start asking you to sign a waiver before you get your breakfast are they?
The honest answer is practically no difference will be seen in anyone’s lives.
We all know we should eat at least five portions of fruit and vegetables a day, we should go easy on the alcohol and pack in the ciggies if you do smoke.
You should also take the stairs instead of the lift and make time for 30 minutes’ exercise three times a week.
Don’t forget you should also get eight hours sleeps a night plus a million and one other things.
But real life doesn’t work like that does it.
You do the best you can don’t you?
And if you’re still worried about this, then think back to when Del Boy was taken into hospital and believed he may have cancer in Only Fools and Horses
After a visit by his brother Rodney, he begins to howl.
Rodney rushes back and discovers rather than any malady, Del Boy has simply sat on his bacon sandwich.
If they ever remade it, Del would probably end up eating a houmous and rocket wrap.
It’s just not the same is it.