Jamahl Lolesi’s off-beat Giants guide means aHammering for some

Brett Hodgson

Our Captain Courageous. Hodgo has the worst dress sense in the world and hasn’t had a proper haircut off a professional hairdresser for three years, as his mother-in-law used to do it for him (Heaven knows who does it now!). For a professional athlete he has the worst body a sportsman could ever want, and he looks more suited to marathon running than rugby league.

Martin Aspinwall

We all call Aspy ‘Rainman’. He may seem and look very stupid, but he appears to be an absolute genius because he knows every statistic and piece of useless information about everything. Playing-wise, he may not look the strongest, but I can assure you he is as strong as they come at the club.

Kevin Brown

My good mate Kev has a small head, long neck, and could easily be mistaken for an ostrich rather than a rugby player. Having said that, he must have a big brain inside that small head, because he seems to come up with the magical plays all the time. A future England star if he’s not bald by the time he’s 25!

Paul Whatuira

We call Fatz the Black Cat, because he’s quiet and wily, and no-one ever really knows what he’s up to. Having a baby and getting engaged is obviously good news, but I’m afraid it spells the end of the good times I used to spend with my former roommate. Nearly unstoppable one-on-one, he is part of arguably the best wing-centre combination in Super League with Dave Hodgson.

David Hodgson

Hodgy is without doubt the club’s best prankster, although no-one often seems to know it’s him, because his subtlety is his trump card. His red hair is an asset as he often uses it to get the better of Kev’s small head. He is, of course, our leading try-scorer and can finish from anywhere.

Liam Fulton

Bald, 24, Justin (it’s an in-joke and will remain that way) Bozo is madly in love with his beautiful fiance, although the two nude calendars they did in Australia were that air-brushed it would have made a very proud pornographic star look like Arnie Schwarzenegger! Great skills, tireless worker and the deliverer of some untouchable ‘bombs’.

Luke Robinson

Our garden gnome posing as a rugby player, although for a midget no-one can deny that Robbo is doing a pretty good job. He has a great kicking game and wears his heart on his sleeve, but I’m afraid he has the ring of death around his mouth. All the same, he is very effective.

Eorl Crabtree

Beautiful hair, a Fabio lookalike, softly spoken – 6ft 10in and with the voice of an angel, that’s our big Eorl. This is without doubt the best year of his career, and he thoroughly deserved his call-up to the England squad a few months ago. Although everyone generally knows him as big Eorl, we all call him Shirley (after his uncle, Big Daddy) or lobster bush.

David Faiumu

My former New Zealand Test teammate with the split personality after he’s downed two beers, and usually Fuey needs a baby sitter, in most cases Fatz. But I’d have to say he’s probably been our most consistent player over the past six weeks at both hooker and loose forward, and boasts unbelievable footwork.

Darrell Griffin

Loves a mirror, loves a hair tint, loves a chest wax and loves walking around the dressing sheds in his undies looking at himself. Having said that, Griff has been playing really well lately, and because his good lady is expecting their second child it will hopefully take some of the focus off him.

Jamahl ‘Jammer’ Lolesi

Handsome, off the market, joker, loves his teammates, happy to play anywhere in the team and loves getting a real roasting off the coach at half-time every week. Browny’s just like my dad.

Andy Raleigh

A real gentleman in the squad, we weren’t really sure which side he batted for, but he’s now engaged to a beautiful young lady named Emily so, thank god, we’ve now cleared that one up! Andy’s been unlucky with injury, otherwise he would have been one of our more consistent and better back-rowers.

Stephen Wild

Every club seems to have one – the whining, sulky babby pants – and with us it’s Wildy. He’s the leader of the Lancashire crew, but we can all forgive him for being over the hill and being the biggest moaner, because he does 40 tackles a game, scores tries and always puts the team first. He’s also become more settled now he’s a father.

Simon Finnigan

Finny is Dave Hodgson’s partner-in-crime when it comes to practical jokes. If there’s a prank going down, you can guarantee Simon won’t be too far away. In fact, he’s often likely to be instigating the situation, he always stirs the pot. Rugby-wise, he’s a great defender and probably the hardest worker in the team.

Paul Jackson

Would have us believe he’s 30, when Jacko’s passport says he’s at least 40! Between me and you, he hates being tickled in the ribs and squirms like a little girl. But he’s a hard-working, tireless team man, who always gives 100% and if anyone deserves a Challenge Cup winners medal it has to be Jacko.

Keith Mason

Has to be the sleaziest person in Britain and needs to find a girlfriend immediately for the safety of all women in Yorkshire. He is, however, the best front-rower at the club, he’s also one of the hardest worker and a true professional who lays the platform for us every single week. Will run into any player and any team without fail, without fear.

Danny Kirmond

Young Kirm is one of Huddersfield Giants success stories, although that has now been tarnished with the news he has been ruled out with a knee injury. However, now happily in love with Dannielle Wigston, he’s one of our more consistent forwards, and for a 23-year-old to come from National League II and be a regular starter in Super League within a year will stand him in good stead to represent England.

Michael Lawerence

Bruno is a very, very big boy!! For 19 and to be a regular Super League player is an outstanding achievement. A little unlucky not to be playing more, but me and Fatz would be more than happy to hand over the reins to Bruno at any time as we know we’d be leaving the centre position in very safe hands.

Scott Moore

Scotty, or Mole, thinks he’s the lead singer of the Kings of Leon, and was trying to impersonate Jesus until he cut that disgraceful hair off. The best loan signing of the century and probably the only player who’s been out on loan and gone on to make the England squad. The St Helens talent scout must have been off sick the week he was sent out to watch him play!

Leroy Cudjoe

Young Roy virtually made us jump out of our skins when he came from absolutely nowhere to shoot onto the first-team scene. There’s no question he’s a star in the making, he’s my wing man and I treat him like my little brother. He’ll be playing for England in a year or two at either wing, centre or full-back, which would be fully deserved as he’s worked hard for it all from nothing.

Shaun Lunt

We call him Lunty or Shark Teeth (just take a look at his gnashers!), but he has to be the best buy of the year in Super League, having come from National League II to a Challenge Cup final. He has to be a leading candidate for rookie of the year as he’s been our best player for the last two or three weeks. Very much single, and desperate for a date. Please help!