Wilf: Granny’s best-laid plans

Jun 6 2009 Huddersfield Daily Examiner

EAVESDROPPING on adult conversations, I heard it said “Granny laid out people”.

For a long time I thought this meant she could flatten people with one punch. So I regarded her with great respect.

I’d lurk around when she was having a row hoping to see her flatten someone.

Later I discovered ‘laying out’, meant Granny sorted out dead bodies. If the persons eyes were open she’d close them and to make certain they didn’t open again she weighed the eyelids down with old pennies.

Granny would never give you her last tuppence they were the tools of her trade.

When someone died, Granny Annie would be round to lay them out, with her two pennies to keep the eyes closed. She would tie the persons big toes together so they wouldn't look unsightly falling apart.

I don't know if she used a granny knot!.

I later used this idea for a device I made for Gloria Hunniford. It was for use when sunbathing to prevent her feet falling apart. Very unattractive.

The device consisted of a elastic figure of eight which held the big toes together decorated with an artificial daisy.

Granny would wash the body, even if it wasn’t Friday bath night and dress them in their ‘laying out clothes’.

These clothes were always ready in the bottom drawer kept sweet smelling with a small ‘perfume brick '.

Women were always ready then for their two main stages in life, getting married and dying.

They had a bottom drawer of stuff for when they got married which was replaced with stuff for when they died.

Dressing the dead was cheaper for a woman all they needed was a nice nightie and a pair of knickers.

For some reason Granny had a pair of very thick white woolly bed socks in her bottom drawer.

Bed socks were always very thick and woolly and totally unsuitable for anything but wearing in arctic bedrooms. You couldn’t even wear them in the slackest wellies.

The bed socks were included because I think Granny hadn’t seen any pictures of coal fires in Heaven.

All the coal fires were of course in Hell she was taking no chances of having cold feet. At the end she also wore a white balaclava.

I don’t know who said it but this old guy was in bed with his eyes closed. The nurse felt his feet under the blankets and remarked. “His feet are hot. No one ever died with hot feet”.

The old fellow opened his eyes and said, “Joan of Arc did”.

My Joan of Arc candles have the wick at the bottom.

I’ve got my own bottom drawer. In it I have some egg timers for my ashes or what the Americans call ‘Cremains’ so I’ll at least be some use when I’ve gone.

End of Part One?

I will descend but not to loam

I’m timing eggs in your home.