Wilf: Within a whisker of solving strange attack of blues
Jul 4 2009 Huddersfield Daily Examiner
I FIRST became aware of a problem with my apparently dirty nose when my wife would take out her hanky to spit wash the end.
Just like mummies used to do when they were out and about with little children.
I found this embarrassing when sitting in a café.
This spit washing was to no avail. In fact normal washing with soap hadn’t any effect.
On closer inspection we found the end of my nose was in fact a shade of blue. I knew drinkers developed red noses. Perhaps the fact that I’m teetotal was having the opposite effect and turning my nose blue.
Not to keep you in suspense I found the cause. It was my moustache. I’ve used many unguents on it.
I stopped using wax because it was so stiff it could snap off or poke someone’s eye out. And after it caught fire a few times when I was lighting cigarettes on the gas stove I went on to use soap which was very good.
Recently I started using ‘Ultra strong styling gel’. It had a bluish tint. When I put it on my moustache it was gradually staining my nose blue. So hairy lips beware, use a clear gel.
This wasn’t the first time bits of me have changed colour. The hair of blond people often goes green in the swimming baths it’s the chlorine. This they put right by washing their hair in tomato sauce.
In my case it was my ginger armpit hairs that turned green. I mean really vivid green almost lime green and I hadn’t been near the baths. Mystery?. My right armpit went first then it was joined by my left armpit hairs. I realised that the right had turned green when I was sawing wood. The left was when I was humping breeze blocks. It was when I sweated whilst wearing a particular black sweater I'd bought in Van Allan's.
I took it back to the shop to complain. I got nowhere. His argument was, ‘How can a black sweater turn hair green?’
My parting shot to the shopkeeper was I hope you’re not selling underpants or knickers in the same stuff you’ll cause a mass ginger panic. Liz found the answer, although the sweater was black when washed loads of green dye came out.
Cats for some reason are fascinated by my moustache. They say cats judge if they can get through a gap by the width of their whiskers.
They're probably thinking this fat guy's moustache is too short he'd never get through a gap the size of his whiskers.
