THE Three Little Pigs learned the hard way that a house built of straw was a bad idea.

But they were doing their building, and Mr Wolf was doing his huffing and puffing, before the Centre for Alternative Technology (CAT) was launched.

CAT, in Machynlleth, mid-Wales, is a clearing house for a host of clever ideas and unusual experiments involving environmentally friendly, nay, amorous, nay, out-of-control passionate, wheezes to rescue the world from the hi-tech doom towards which it is undoubtedly trundling.

So nowadays, a house built from straw bales is the in thing.

“As a building material, straw excels in the areas of cost-effectiveness and energy efficiency,” the latest CAT catalogue tells us.

I’m sure it does. Trouble is, you wouldn’t want to go upstairs, or light a match, would you? You might also have to develop a liking for earwigs and rats, if my limited experience of straw bales is anything to go by.

Still, if straw bales are not your thing, why not build your next house out of hemp lime and rammed earth?

“Hemp masonry is breathable and is able to absorb and emit moisture, leading to much healthier buildings.”

Hemp is string, cloth and something to smoke. This is going to be a healthy building, surely, only until it rains or your hippy friends turn up for a party.

“Rammed earth is a beautiful durable material with a long and successful tradition in the UK and around the world,” says the catalogue.

Moles and worms would agree.

Levity aside, I’m all for saving the planet, and if it’s possible to build a stable, long-lasting home out of vegetable soup and human hair, then let’s get on with it.

But if this catalogue falls into the wrong hands, saving the planet could become secondary to saving one’s dignity.

What is a stand-up comedian going to do with a book called How to S**t In The Woods, for instance?

Or, Starting With Sheep? Who’s going to Start With Sheep? Isn’t it illegal? Better, perhaps, to Start With Ducks (£7.95, mail-order@cat.org.uk) and work your way up.

Or, Septic Tanks: An Overview? Or, 101 Uses For Stinging Nettles? Or, Time To Eat The Dog? Or even, The Organic Baby and Toddler Cookbook?

These books, I’m sure, are full of sensible and practical advice on sustainable living and the responsible uses of limited resources.

I’m sure you can grow fruit and vegetables in your own urine (Liquid Gold, Steinfield, £4.95) but I’m not sure I’m ready for it yet.

The path to zero-carbon has attracted its own lunatic fringe of moon-worshippers, crystal-rubbers and water-dowsers, and it’s clear that the Centre for Alternative Technology doesn’t have a strategy for deterring them.

Indeed, it may be playing the Big Tent, Broad Church game.

I honestly think it needs to distance itself from the cranky, raffia-sandaled, quasi-religious, hippy, Gaia, tree-hugging brigade.

Saving the planet is a serious business and there’s a lot of good stuff here that could get washed away with the barmy if folk like me continue to take the mickey.

Having said that, I did get the advertised Little Book of Slugs recently, which has 70 ecologically sound suggestions for destroying these repulsive creatures, and thoroughly enjoyed it.

I am sharpening the sticks and coating them with salt and beer as we speak.