Major panic at FA

Nov 23 2007 by Andrew Flynn, Huddersfield Daily Examiner

THE new England football manager is Major General “Mad Harry” Harrison, the former chief of staff of the British Army.

A Football Association spokesman said, “We felt we needed a new approach. As a first step, we need to make Wembley a fortress. Mad Harry was the obvious choice to succeed Steve McClaren.”

The Major General favours a five, five, one formation. The back four will all be required to be seven feet tall and agree to have 70s Afro perms into which will be stitched anvils. They will be positioned on the goal line alongside the largest keeper that can be found who will wear Kenny Everett gloves.

The midfield will take position on the 18-yard line where they will dig a trench in front of which will be placed pointed stakes and barbed wire.

A lone striker will be encouraged to run around wherever he likes like a headless chicken.

It is rumoured that the new manager also favours positioning two snipers in the roof in case an opposition forward actually breaches the midfield defensive line.

“At least it will be an improvement on recent performances,” said the spokesman.

Finally, he will invite the players from the Scotland national team, who fought a terrific campaign before losing in the last minute to World Champions Italy, to travel south to give the English players lessons in pride.