Denis: To sleep: perchance to dream

Sep 18 2009 by Jane Yelland, Huddersfield Daily Examiner

MY wife Maria has trouble getting to sleep. On occasions, she has had sleeping pills but doctors never prescribe a long course.

“They're probably frightened I might get addicted,” she says. “But at my age, who cares?”

She has tried all kinds of over-the-counter medicines that are supposed to ease you into dreamland but, after a while, the dosage doesn't work.

So what should she do to be able to go to bed and slip off to sleep? How can she combat insomnia?

I sometimes suffer from the same problem for maybe an hour before I drift off but it doesn't bother me. I am quite happy to lay there in the dark and play the Euro Lottery game – how would you spend £50 million? Or imagine I'm playing for Manchester United. You know, the usual daydreams blokes have, only indulged at night.

In fact, lying down somewhere warm and comfortable has always appealed to me all through my life, whether at bedtime or 11 o'clock in the morning. It's just that it was rarely appreciated in the office. I think I suffer from inbred idleness rather than sleep deficiency.

I looked up insomnia on the internet and read through the list of reasons that can cause it. So far, nothing seems to fit my wife: stress, bad diet, too much stimulation. Then it says: “Or you may have a disease where sleeplessness is a common symptom.”

She has. It's called insomnia.

They suggest muscle relaxation techniques, abdominal breathing, meditation, anger management and counting sheep.

“Try counting sheep.”

“I hate sheep.”

“Just count them … any better?”

“No, there's one little swine refuses to jump over the fence. If I get my hands on him, it'll be mint sauce.”

“All right. Then how about anger management?”

“I wouldn't be angry except for these sheep.”

Usually, she'll eventually drop off about four, after twisting, turning, flopping and sighing for much of the time until then. Unless she's nudging me and saying,”Are you asleep?”

I mean, it's the middle of the night and I'm flat on my back in bed snoring and still I'll get the nudge and, “Are you asleep?”

“Not any more,” I reply.

So if anyone can offer any suggestions on how to get off to sleep, without the use of gin, psychiatry or a blunt instrument, I would be very much obliged. For both our sakes.