Denis: Doctor Denis and Kevin moon

Feb 23 2010 By Denis Kilcommons

I never went to university but I have always hankered for a degree. So I checked out Mickey Mouse degrees and discovered you can actually get one through the Disney College programme at Disneyworld in Florida.

But that’s too far to go. I needed something closer and easier, something suitable for somebody of my age and inclination. A degree attained, preferably, without too much work being involved.

The internet, I found, is full of them.

Unfortunately they cost money

I logged onto one site that was full of promise.

"Finally, there’s a way for you to get the university degree you need in five days flat without ever stepping foot into a college, classroom or even doing coursework."

Yes, yes. That’s for me.

"Here’s your chance to get an associate, bachelor’s, master’s or even a doctorate degree without opening a single book. Even if you struggled or barely made it out of high school."

Where do I sign?

Whoops. Unfortunately they want paying for this fake documentation that will say you graduated in anthropology from the Aardvark University of Alabama.

Becoming a Doctor of Philosophy in the subject of your choice can cost $600. Mind you, I did find a site that was willing to make me a professor for $210, and I have to admit I was tempted.

Then I found the very thing at the University of Silly. You could get certificates for everything here. You could rename the moon Kevin or get an impressive document that said you were related to Napoleon. And they were offering degrees at a bargain price of 92p.

So I am now officially Dr Kilcommons, with a PhD in Silliness. It was a two for the price of one offer so I got my chum Ian one, as well. But don’t tell him how much it cost. I’ll say it was $600 and blag a pint off him. Mind you, I don’t think he’s that silly.