I HAVE just signed an online petition to get Ken Dodd a knighthood. Not that I am a great believer in the honours system, but it seems like he has been overlooked.

People in Westminster have probably never heard of Knotty Ash. Besides, if Elton John can have one, why not Doddy? He’s much funnier.

I know people who have received honours that are well deserved. Ordinary people who have done sterling work for community and charity. But there are others that seem to be dished out on a whim or as a favour or because it was written into the Civil Service job description.

“That’s right, Cedric. Usual guff. A pension to make a yoik’s eyes water and a guaranteed knighthood.”

Mind you, I always fancied a knighthood, myself. Not an OBE or CBE but a proper title. Since Cuban heels went out of fashion I’ve needed all the elevation I can get. Besides, it has a nice ring to it – Sir Denis. Bound to get you preferential treatment and seats in restaurants, except I don’t go to that many.

Would it work in Morrisons cafe? Would it swing a complementary slice of bread and butter with the fish and chips?