Wilf Lunn: Getting all the dirt on the habits of Eurodog

Oct 24 2009 by Wilf Lunn

I ONCE remarked to my friend Finley, “Drunks often repeat stories over and over”.

“Yes”, he said. “You’ve told me before”.

Palinoia is the compulsion to repeat things till they are perfect. So I know I’ve touched on some of this before. This is an update, so pay attention this time.

I’ve been accused of noticing things other folk miss or really don’t give a fig about, for example the predominance of funeral directors and chemist’s shops in Germany.

I suppose it all started with the funeral parlours which reminded people of their transient life, encouraging worry, leading to a boom in patent medicines and visits to the apothecary shop.

During autumn in Brittany when the leaves fall from the trees you can see an unbelievable abundance of mistletoe. Most people assume the clumps are birds’ nests.

Is all this mistletoe the reason why both women and men on the Continent seem compelled to kiss?

I was brought up with a dread of contagious diseases. I always avoid kissing where possible, especially when I was told what the British version of French kissing involved. Turned out that’s not the way they do it in France.

Now with the swine flu being around the French are coming round to my attitude. Kissing’s been banned in schools and they are advising citizens not to kiss and they may in the future make not doing it compulsory. I was wise before my time.

I wonder if they will be advised to cough and sneeze into their crooked elbow like we’re supposed to?

I was always told coughs and sneezes spread diseases so always use a handkerchief. Mam used to boil all our hankies in salt water to make sure the germs were dead. I don’t think she would have taken kindly to boiling the left sleeve of my jacket.

In the past, while manoeuvring to avoid contact with wet oyster-like lips coming towards me I have been kissed on the nose.

My aversion to kissing was justified when gingivitis spread like wildfire through the Young Conservatives (not Huddersfield) which led to suspicions of loyalty between couples.

I don’t know what my dad had been up to but he lost all his teeth because of gingivitis.

Imagine how I felt when I was told cold spots on the lips were also called herpes. The other thing about France, I’ve mentioned before, is the dog muck. There must be a name for someone obsessed about dog muck: how about doggydoobia?