I HAVE this urge to phone one of those injury lawyers who are always advertising on television and promising to get you thousands of pounds for slipping on a floor that anyone can see is slippy or falling off a ladder because you’re stupid and didn’t wedge it properly.
“Hello? Is that an injury lawyer? Can I speak to the pretty dark-haired lady in the advert? What do you mean she’s an actress? Well, can I speak to any pretty dark-haired lady?
“Right. And your name is …? Clare. That’s a nice name. Now Clare, I want advice about an accident. No, I don’t know what sort of accident because I haven’t had it yet. I don’t want to go and have an accident willy nilly without picking the best one. I mean, which do you get the most money for?
“I don’t want to break anything unless I have to, so I was thinking maybe whiplash. I could brake suddenly in the Fiesta at a roundabout and let the car behind hit me and I can get a really good whiplash. My head will be dangling like it’s on broken elastic. My friend did it and didn’t even bend her bumper but still got a really good pay out.
“Or how about slipping and hurting my back? The back’s always good for long-term sick leave. I mean, who’s to know? As long as you groan a lot and walk badly when the assessors are looking.
“You know, I think I’ve got a touch of whiplash from talking to you on the phone. Perhaps I can sue you and we’ll cut out the middle man. I’ll accept two grand cash in hand, out of court settlement. And can I have it in time for New Year? Clare? Are you still there? Clare? Clare ...?”