I WAS talking to my wife the other day. Well, I was listening to her. Sort of. You know how it is, when you are watching sport on TV, have the paper to finish and wonder how you can successfully intimate, without inviting personal injury, that a fresh cup of tea would be acceptable.

Anyway, I caught half of what she was saying.

“I’ve got a book you should read,” she said. “Fifty shades of ...” and another gold medal brought a roar from the crowd.

Still, I got the essence.

Even I had heard of Fifty Shades of Grey, the erotic novel that had outsold Harry Potter and become a viral hit around the world. A novel of male domination and female submission and set largely in Seattle.

Perhaps that had been the catalyst? My wife has relatives in Seattle. Perhaps she had thought it a travel guide before getting hooked on possibilities.

But by heck, what was a Yorkshire lad to do? Adapt the back bedroom? Equip it with a blow up mattress and a pair of fluffy handcuffs? Would a cricket bat do instead of more technical equipment? What had Victoria Wood said? “Beat me on the bottom with a Woman’s Weekly.”

Would that suffice?

And would I have to wear rubber? I mean, my PVC anorak gets awfully sweaty so I shuddered to think what a rubber suit would do. Lycra, of course, was out of the question. Mild bondage is one thing but dressing up like Chris Hoyle with a body like Albert Steptoe would defeat the object. Unless a blindfold was used. For both of us.

Now that was a concept that might be new. A couple both blindfolded, banging around in the back bedroom, falling over my cricket bat. That wouldn’t work, either. With my bad back, once I fall over, it takes me ages to get up again.

I wondered if voicing my doubts about this new venture might be taken as rejection.

“You never want to try anything new. How do you know you don’t like it if you won’t try it? You’re just the same with mince.”

Which is true. I have never eaten mince and never intend to. Same with kidney. Or liver. And don’t even mention tripe.

But this was in a different league.

“This book,” I said hesitantly. “Are you sure?”

“Of course I am. The back bedroom needs something doing to it. And Fifty Shades of Magnolia is just the job. We can have a feature wall of Intense Truffle and new curtains and scatter cushions in Raspberry Bellini. How do you feel about it?'

Relieved.