TOMORROW’S American Presidential election has been cancelled. Her Majesty the Queen is to take over instead.
Old friend Sheila Gotham, who recently spent six months living in America, has received an email that has gone nationwide in the US explaining why.
In an electronic address to the citizens of our former colony across the Pond, a bulletin from Buckingham Palace declares:
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President (George W Bush, Mitt Romney) and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary). Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories. Her Majesty will appoint a Governor for America. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter U will be reinstated in words such as colour, labour and neighbour. Likewise, you will learn to spell doughnut without skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up vocabulary).
2.There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. July 4 will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
5. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. This will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gas) of roughly $10 per US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. French fries are not real chips and those things you call potato chips are crisps.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you call beer is not beer. Henceforth, it will be known by the generic term Gnats. Only proper British beer will be entitled to be called beer. European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager.
10.You will stop playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football – you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby, which is similar to American football but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a big Jessie.
11. You will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world outside America your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.
12. An internal revenue agent from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to collect all taxes due, backdated to 1776.
13. Tea time will begin promptly at 4pm every day.
God Save the Queen.