A RETIRED chap I know hated being dragged out shopping by his wife.
Every week she took him to a hypermarket that sold everything. There she would browse the aisles, taking an eternity, while he quietly fumed.
And then, to his great joy, his wife received a letter that said: “Over the past six months your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you. The complaints against your husband are listed below:
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at five minute intervals.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: ‘Code 3 in Homewares. Get on it right away.’ This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that, in turn, resulted with a union grievance. And anyway, we don’t have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to buy a packet of Smarties on easy payments.
August 23: When an assistant asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed: “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?” An ambulance was called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.
October 6: In the motoring department he practised his Madonna look using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘Pick me! pick me!’
October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker he assumed a foetal position and screamed “Oh no! It’s those voices again!”
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while and then yelled very loudly: “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.”
