We were half a mile from home the other night when we saw lights in the sky.
“It must be the light show on Castle Hill,” I said to my wife.
But wouldn’t it have been amazing if it was one of those alien spaceships that occasionally pick up humans in their beams and transport them on board for observation, evaluation and medical experiments.
Some abductees even claim to have been used for breeding purposes, which takes some believing.
Would any creature with the capacity for inter galactic travel want to create a hybrid with human beings who can’t stop killing each other in wars and who persecute each other for their religion, colour or gender?
Still, being teleported somewhere different on a wintry evening would make a change from going home to watch football or Emmerdale or Celebrity Big Brother. But me and my wife were probably the wrong sort to be chosen.
Harvard psychologist Dr Susan Clancy says abductees have “a tendency to fantasise and to hold unusual beliefs and ideas. They believe not only in alien abductions, but also in things like UFOs, ESP, astrology, tarot, channeling, auras and crystal therapy.
“They also have in common a rash of disturbing experiences for which they are seeking an explanation. For them, alien abduction is the best fit.”
So that’s why I’ve never won the lottery. It’s alien intervention.
Abductees, I found on the internet, were a strange mix. Jeffery said his father had been abducted in the 1950s. So he was following a family tradition when he went into a St Louis pole dancing joint one night, the sort of place where patrons slip five dollar bills in the pants of the dancers – and lost three hours. I’m sure it’s easily done. He said he was beamed up and was interfered with before being returned to the club.
Then there is Lisa who, when she woke up, said: “I had a hole in the back of my head that under black light glowed with a triangle around it.”
Now there’s a conversation stopper.
A New Jersey chap called David said he lost his virginity to an extra terrestrial lady and went on to father several children with many more.
One report claimed 3.7 million Americans had been abducted by aliens. We don’t have nearly that many but Britain’s Hilary Porter claims to have been abducted more times than she can count, which helps redress the balance.
Being snatched is one way of meeting new people, such as Zeta Reticulians, Greys, Blue Arcturians, Andromedans, Reptilians, Starseeds, Assyrian Warriors of Light and Sirius Nephones. Believe me, I’m Sirius.
Some aliens are said to change the DNA of those they take – a sort of NHS free on point of entry surgery that they hope will improve mankind. So far, it doesn’t seem to have worked.
Space is a vast place and I can quite believe there is intelligent life out there. I just don’t believe it would come here to abduct ordinary citizens on a casual basis. I mean, it’s human nature to bring back souvenirs, send a postcard or at least purloin a beer mat or the shower gel from the bathroom, and none of those have turned up yet.
“Shame,” I said to my wife. “It would have been nice to get away from this bad weather for a while.”
Strange that when we got home we had lost three hours. Emmerdale, Celebrity Big Brother and the football had finished.
But I had a St Louis receipt in my pocket for an in ordinate quantity of Budweiser and my wife had a load of five dollar bills stuck in her knickers.
