Many readers agree with me that you often cannot hear what is being said in television films and dramas.

Elsie Eva made a novel suggestion: ”If you would like an amusing diversion, try turning on the subtitles.”

She suggests the translation is done by machine because often the words shown are not the ones spoken, but a rhyming alternative.

A bit like when phone or computer messages get screwed up because of predictive text or auto-correct.

“Hence the words are often not the correct ones, but a rhyming alternative. Which could prove useful if you wish to write rhyming poetry.”

But not particularly helpful when watching a drama.

At least, with foreign TV series, the dialogue has to be translated so the subtitles don’t fall foul of predictive guesswork that can change sudoku into sodomy and had one mum texting her friend at Christmas: “Taking the kids to see Satan.”

And if you think that’s daft, you should take a look at Glitzch, a book by Hugh Kellett. He spent two years discovering how British history might look if it had been written using predictive text on a mobile phone.

It provided a new slant on heroes such as Floral Nightgown (Florence Nightingale) and Horny Nylons (Horatio Nelson). Among politicians were Warfare Teacher (Margaret Thatcher) and Golden Crown (Gordon Brown), but I doubt whether Tony Blair would be amused when he was named Tiny Flair.

There was a new perspective with the Change of the Lightbulb Brightness (the Charge of the Light Brigade) and the Bikini Inversion (Viking Invasion), which sounds like a 1960s B movie starring Sandra Dee and Frankie Avalon.

The Royal family are included: Catering Middleman (Catherine Middleton), Vanilla Darker Vowels (Camilla Parker-Bowles), Problem of Males (Prince of Wales) and the Prince of Cartridges (The Prince of Cambridge).

The book is available online at and might make an alternative source of entertainment when the dialogue on TV becomes too mumbled to hear.