A cheeky guide to village life has been created for ‘comer-inners’ to Huddersfield.

Author Steve Augarde devised his own handy guide called Marsden for Newbies which he posted on the village Facebook page.

The writer prepared the guide after noting “some poor comer-inner” made the “rookie error of offering an opinion in public.”

Steve, from the West Country and now living in Marsden, shared his tips on how to be accepted by locals.

Here are his rules, in his own words.

  • First 10 years of residence. Your social status will be slightly lower than that of a dead sheep on the Manchester road, so take a tip from that wise creature: lie still and shut the **** up.

Sheep
Sheep
  • Join the local history society and begin studying the genealogy of the Five Families. This will stand you in good stead when you take your first tentative steps towards social acceptance. Confusing a Byram with a Sykes can set you back years, so thorough research at this early stage will pay dividends later on.

4th annual Marsden Beer Festival, Marsden Mechanics. Festival organiser Andy Linehan.
  • By all means visit the local hostelries, but be careful where you sit. Keep both hands in front of you, where everyone can see them, and your eyes lowered. Do not order fancy drinks. ‘Bitter top’ for instance, or ‘lager and lime’, are regarded by some as examples of threatening behaviour. Gin and tonic is acceptable, but only if you’re a girl, and only then if you ignore the tonic.
The League of Gentlemen was part filmed in Marsden, Edward played by Reece Shearmith and Tubbs played by Steve Pemberton.
  • Remember that the ‘South’ is anywhere below Altrincham. You’re from Chester? Then you’re a Southerner. Don’t argue.
  • In your eleventh year, provided your record is clean, you might speak without having first been spoken to and offer a chance remark – but make sure that it’s in no way contentious.
  • If it’s lashing down with rain, for instance, and trees are being uprooted and flung about like weeds, you might suggest that it’s looking a bit blowy out there. You’re just hoping for a grudging nod here. If you can achieve this without an accompanying ‘w***er’ then you’ve done well. Give it a couple of months before trying again.
Steve Augarde who has penned a cheeky guide to Huddersfield village life for new arrivals
  • Little by little you might raise your status to that of ‘harmless idiot’, at which point it’s probably safe to be out after midnight, or to put in the occasional appearance on the Marsden page. But it’s still a matter of knowing when to shut the **** up. Which I will now do.”

Facebook readers said the rules applied to villages such as Slaithwaite, Linthwaite, Meltham and so on.

One said: “I love proper Marsdeners more than they’ll ever love me. I accept this as a fair swap for being able to live here.”

Another said: “Who’d have thought this type of topic ‘comer-inners and old Marsdeners’ would still be discussed in the 21st century especially when 75% of the Marsden population speak with Lancs and Southern accents.”