I MAKE no secret of being incompetent when it comes to opening bottles and cans.

Milk cartons leave me splattered. Give me 10 minutes alone with a tin of tomato soup and I can end up with a nice tie dyed shirt and just enough left over for lunch for one.

In fact, I have a collection of tie-dyed shirts which are kept just for meal times. Not only is Maria wary when I attempt to prepare food, I also need special clothing when I’m eating. Curry stains, I have found, go best on a tie-dye garment.

Maybe I should market them as new designs?

Mrs Catherine O’Connell from Springwood empathises.

In fact, she has sent me a poem which sums up my problems in domestic science:

"Please tear here, the packet said, I would not be denied.

I tugged and pulled for quite a while, all efforts were defied.

So then at last I took a knife, determined I would win.

And after still more struggling, at last I’d broken in.

Some biscuits were in pieces and I had lots of bits,

But never mind, another job would shortly test my wits.

A tin which needed opening had all that I required.

The contents were tasty and all that I desired.

But the tag, it came away too soon and broke off in my hand

I wondered why these things went wrong? I didn’t understand.

A screw top jar defeated me and I gave up the fight.

So then I had a cup of tea. And that turned out all right."

So, who’s for a brew?