SCIENTISTS in Newcastle, of all places, have created sperm in a test tube and so it will not be long before men will have outlived their usefulness and no longer be required.

Women will take over the world.

It was only a matter of time before this breakthrough had to happen, because men are losing their virility and becoming infertile.

And let’s face it, women have been saying for years they don’t know why they put up with us.

They are as intelligent as men and far better at multi tasking - ask any mother who has a job, two kids and a husband to look after.

Once procreation has been sorted out, blokes will be redundant.

The revolution will happen gradually. With test tube choice, mums-to-be will be able to choose to have only girls and men will slowly fade away.

Tubes will be labelled with characteristics, attributes and abilities.

“I’ll have the one with dark hair, brown eyes and a tendency for accounting. That’s right, the one on the top shelf to the left.”

Eventually, when the scientific world is dominated by women, they will invent robots to do the manual work.

World peace will become a reality, the cost of living will be reasonable and the problems of global warming solved over a good natter, a cup of tea and a slice of black forest gateau.

The men who are left will be kept in safari parks and families of women and their daughters can drive through and watch them at play.

“But isn’t it cruel to keep them confined?” a little girl who knows no better may ask.

“Give them a ball to kick and a few tins of beer and they’re as happy as Larry,” will be the reply.

“Who’s Larry?”

“He’s a chap I rented from the Slaithwaite Pleasure Park for a weekend but it didn’t work out. They’re supposed to be fully trained but this one still burped and broke wind.”

Life for blokes won’t be so bad. Pubs in the safari parks will be open all day, non-stop football will be screened on the television and Bruce Willis will be permanently starring at the cinema.

For men who hanker after the old ways, there will be under the counter DVDs of Keira Knightley in Pride and Prejudice and Judi Dench in Cranford. Nothing too racy, you understand, that might affect the bromide levels.

And eventually, the women who rule the world will probably develop a safe male clone with artificial intelligence that they will be able to dress nicely and who will do the housework.

Artifical intelligence, my wife says, would be a nice change. Better than the sort blokes usually come with.