‘Is this one of those post- nuclear apocalypse winters where the sun won’t shine for a decade’

I’M getting fed up with weather. April showers are one thing, April blizzards something else entirely.

Where’s all this global warming when you need it?

And there’s not a lot to look forward to in the month ahead.

I checked with the BBC long- range forecast and we can expect more rain and showers and poor temperatures and what they euphemistically describe as “unsettled weather” into the middle of May.

“I don’t care,” said Debbie.

“You don’t?”

“Not in the slightest.”


“Because I’m off to the Dominican Republic for 16 days.”

This is the island where the temperature stays at around 77°F (25°C) all year round and its climate is known as “endless summer”.

Sometimes you could just spit.

Me? I’ll be flying off for a few days in Donegal to see my grandsons; but as Donegal is about as far north as Hartlepool I won’t be taking my shorts and flip flops.

The Met Office says we can expect a “typical British summer” this year.

“Summer temperatures across the UK are more likely to be warmer than average and rainfall near or above average for the three months of summer,” they say.

Three months of summer?

I remember when summer started at the beginning of April and lasted until the end of September.

Now we are promised just three months of sunshine and showers after suffering a winter that started two years ago and is lingering endlessly on.

Did someone drop an atom bomb and I didn’t notice?

Is this one of those post-nuclear apocalypse winters where the sun won’t shine for a decade, crops will fail and we’ll have to eat our Wellington boots? Then it’s a good job I have two pairs, that’s all I can say.

And you can forget barbecues for the foreseeable future.

Remember those happy, long-gone days of hot weather, cold drinks and food gently burning over charcoal? Well no more of those jolly salmonella parties until at least June. And then have an umbrella handy for the occasional monsoon.

In fact, why not wheel the barbie into the front room and do it in front of Sky Sports? Save a lot of messing about.

The thing is, I think I’m beginning to suffer from seasonal affective disorder, the winter depression that affects half a million people every winter.

It’s caused by lack of sunlight and, as I can’t afford to go with Debbie to the Dominican Republic for 16 days, I’ve been trying alternative therapy, such as turning up the central heating to boiling, leaving all the lights on in the house 24 hours a day, wearing sunglasses and papering the front room with holiday brochures of palm trees and sun-kissed beaches.

And mind your back, please.

I might as well bring the barbecue in as well.

Now, is there any cricket from the West Indies on Sky?

Try these for a laugh

DID you hear about the Buddhist who refused a painkilling injection when he went to have a tooth out? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

This is just one of several jokes sent by a reader from a pun contest.

Try a few more:

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead racoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, “We don't serve mushrooms here.” The mushroom says, “Why? I'm a fun guy!”

A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient.”

Then there was the famous Viking explorer who returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife complained and the civic official apologised profusely saying: “I must have taken Leif off my census.”

Finally, an Indian chief had three wives who were all pregnant The first gave birth to a boy and the chief built her a teepee made of deer hide.

The second also gave birth to a boy and the chief built her a teepee made of antelope hide. When the third wife gave birth the chief kept the details secret but built her a two-storey teepee made of hippopotamus hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what had happened.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave said the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

“Correct,” said the chief. “How did you figure it out?”

And the warrior answered, “It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.”