I’VE noticed school boys rebel against school uniform today by tying their ties in all sorts of novel ways, huge knots or very short ends. I got away with the tie rule at my school by wearing a black one.

Nothing was said they thought someone had died. What had died was the glamour of education.

One school intends to stop this tie rebellion by making clip on ties compulsory.

Incidents of tie strangling will of course decrease.

But the standardising of pupils clothing does makes it difficult to pick a pupil out in a police line up.

The clothes are sorted so what about the bizarre novelty haircuts? I think the only way they can solve that is with an official school wig.

The legal profession will probably recommend those lovely white curly ones they wear.

I must say I get annoyed with men who wear suits with open neck shirts scruffily tucked round the suit collar. I’m not against open neck shirts but not with suits. They should wear a tie or a least put the shirt collar neatly outside the suit collar.

It’s a contradiction of style it’s like wearing a dinner jacket with a baseball cap. Why do they wear them with the peak at the back? Don’t they know there’s a hat with a peak at the back and to stop the sun getting in your eyes (which is what I thought the peak was for) it’s got a peak at the front and it’s called a deerstalker, very sensible.

I was about 10 years old when I became very conscious of the correct way to dress. My mam made me wear my sister’s raincoat to go to the barbers. It buttoned the opposite way and it was green the colour of Whitcliffe Mount girls’ school uniform. All the boys knew they wore green knickers with a little pocket.

I was paranoid. I thought everyone was thinking poor thing he’s wearing a girls’ coat. It’s probably his turn to go out and his sisters to stay in.

I saw a tribe of natives on television wearing safety pin earrings. Interestingly they were called the ‘Kreenakrore’ which means skinhead. This was actually long before the skinheads were about. I thought “Nice brutalistic idea.” I had my ear pierced and wore a gold safety pin that Dave Cullen made for me.

A reporter purporting to be from the ‘Australian Times’ rang me and said: “I understand you wear a safety pin in your ear for a joke.”

I replied: “Joke, joke – I’ll have you know I’m president of the H A A A the Huddersfield Amateur Acupuncture Association, and this is the only way I can cure my sweaty feet.”

He was devastated and apologised profusely.

Shortly after a friend pointed out that my right ear was getting longer with the weight of the pin and also I had it in the wrong ear. You feel pretty dim when there only a choice of two ears and you pick the wrong one. She said everyone knew decorations should be worn on the left side. That is everyone but me. Had they been sniggering behind my back at this terrible faux pas. I felt very self conscious about this and never wore it again.

You can’t have freedom of expression without freedom to offend.