Have you been watching the World Cup?
If you haven’t and are bored to tears by it, then I have to apologise as this column is (nominally) about the tournament.
It’s not so much about the football though, so bear with me and fingers crossed you’ll enjoy it.
If you have been glued to your telly, then you’ll (I hope) have been thinking the same things as me, so let’s be kindred spirits on the matter.
First up is goal line technology. England were the nation that clamoured for it more than most after the last World Cup and that goal-that-wasn’t-but-should-have-been by Frank Lampard against Germany.
We cheerleaded (or is it cheerled?) for the system that would put to bed whether the ball crossed the line, but not it’s here our commentators seems to be the sniffiest about the technical advance.
Those of you who watched France against Honduras were treated to a fantastic flailing by commentator Jonathan Pearce who seemed to not only be incapable of understanding how it worked but just didn’t seem to understand why it’s a good thing.
Briefly, for those who don’t know, there are cameras on the line and if the whole of the ball crosses the line, it’s picked up by a computer who makes the referee’s watch vibrate, signalling a goal has been scored. Simple eh?
But not for Jonathan it seems.
Karim Benzema shot for France and it hit a post before rebounding across the goal and going in off the unfortunate Honduran keeper Noel Valladares. There was a bit of doubt if the ball had crossed the line but the referee, presumably signalled by his watch, gave a goal.
The stadium (and the viewing public) were then treated to a video replay via the goal-line technology which showed the initial shot didn’t go in (which no-one thought) but did go in off the keeper (which we all thought).
But it all seemed a bit much for the commentator:
Pearce: “Well look at the boos and the Honduran players. And look at this again. We’ve seen so many spurious goal line technology replays. AND IT SIGNALS NO GOAL! No goal has gone up on the screen. The fans have heard it, the Honduran players have seen it.”
Keown: “But it’s a goal there...”
Pearce: “OH GOODNESS ME. THEY’VE CHANGED THEIR MINDS NOW. Does goal line technology work or doesn’t it?”
Pearce went on to say “Well which replay are we supposed to believe? This was supposed to be a flawless system.”
For a man so seemingly self-confident in all he does, he made a right prat of himself as every other person sat on their settee understood exactly what was happening.
The other technological ‘advance’ is referees using what appears to be shaving foam to mark where a free-kick should be taken from and then mark 10 yards away where the wall should be.
It’s a brilliantly simple system - but apparently has been the norm for years in South America, whose residents are perplexed why we find it so revolutionary.
Going forward I think I’d like to see more things we use in our homes used in major tournaments.
I reckon a small child’s trampoline attached to the back of players would be a winner. Rather than rolling around on the floor in mock agony when someone tackles them, they’d have to choose between bouncing straight back up, or really going for it and bouncing 10 foot in the air.
I’d certainly advise the use of black boot polish or dubbin to cover up those horrible boots - who really thinks different colour boots on each foot is a good thing?
And instead of water, maybe they should replace it with mouthwash? They seem to spit half of it out anyway so why not have fresh breath when you berate a referee for not awarding your side a throw-in?
