Or rather, their likenesses appear in Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer’s execrable spoof of the sword and sandals romp 300, but Emily Wilson and Nicole Parker’s look-alikes bear little resemblance to the genuine headline-chasing articles.
The latest, ahem, comedy from the creators of Scary Movie, Date Movie and Epic Movie is a truly soul-crushing experience.
Friedberg and Seltzer lack imagination and invention, plumping for the most obvious targets like the homoeroticism between male combatants, bombarding the screen with as many celebrity imitators as they can muster before we flee the cinema and demand our money back.
Almost without exception, the impersonators are so bad, you have to wait for them to be addressed by name to realise who they are.
Thus in the end credits, one man is identified as Tom Cruise simply because the hero batters him with a baseball bat whilst screaming, “I’m gonna set Katie free!”
An actor mimicking Simon Cowell on the American Idol panel is laughable - though not in a good way.
Thankfully, he’s kicked into the Pit Of Death along with a woeful, shaven-headed Britney Spears and President Bush.
We’re sorely tempted to demand the same punishment for the writer-directors.
Homages to TV programmes including America’s Next Top Model will mean nothing to UK audiences, while a beer commercial with the jingle “Mr Warmongering Latent Homosexual” isn’t funny after the first chorus let alone the sixth.
King Leonidas (Sean Maguire) leads his 13-strong army of men with airbrushed six-packs into battle against the might of Xerxes (Ken Davitian).
Bidding farewell to his wife Queen Margo (Carmen Electra) in traditional Spartan style – “High fives for the women and open mouth, tongued kisses for the men” – Leonidas skips towards destiny with second-in-command Captain (Kevin Sorbo) by his side.
Meanwhile, the Queen seeks to curry favour with Traitoro (Diedrich Bader), who holds sway with the other senators.
Meet The Spartans should be introduced as an alternative to capital punishment.
From the opening Casino Royale torture sequence to the post end credit appearance of Rambo mumbling, “When you’re pushed, killing’s as easy as... dancing!” the film drives us relentlessly towards a prescription for anti-depressants.
Maguire does a passable impersonation of 300 beefcake Gerard Butler but he has no comic sensibilities, while Electra is reduced to pouting and grinding in as little clothing as possible.
When the Ellen DeGeneres look-alike tells Leonidas, “I can see by your expression, you’re not amused,” she could almost be looking out into the audience.
The film scrapes its single point of merit for being in focus.
