I'M going to talk about football. It's at this point where the people who know me will shut their paper in dismay and throw it out of the nearest window, scared to read in case he's "banging on about his tin pot conference team that no-one gives a hell about".
Well listen carefully, glory fans, and put the kettle on because I'm going to talk about the Champions League, World Cup and Premiership. Hooray!!
Halloween saw Barcelona take on Chelsea at the Nou Camp. The sound was turned low on the TV and the lights were off in the Leeming household.
However, this wasn't a romantic night in. Of course it was because the football was on the telly and I didn't want to be disturbed by a group of young swines asking me for either Paul Daniels or a Smiths reunion (a trick or a treat).
The game itself was an interesting one, for what should have been a celebration of the world's greatest players was, in part, ruined by a myriad of diving and cheating by certain members of both teams.
Yes, there were four quality goals. Yes, there was one piece of skill from Ronaldinho that got the commentators a little over excited.
Yes, there was a comedic referee. However, there was also Essien, Motta and Drogba, players who will do anything it seems to get a member of the opposition sent off.
It seems even the greatest players, and one's whose egos are enlarged by role model tags, can't resist a little bit of ... well, cheating.
Even the "greatest of the great" Ronaldinho waves his hands around hysterically like Murray Walker at an under 8's bicycle race, trying to get opposition players carded.
Arsenal's Thierry Henry even dabbled in self-disrespect at the World Cup, diving in France's second round match with Spain.
But, us English are perfect aren't we. Um, well, not really. Ahh, little Michael Owen. Wouldn't hurt a fly. No, but he'd dive in two consecutive World Cups to win penalties (okay, they were against Argentina).
Steven Gerrard is just as bad, as his sudden `fall' proved in England's friendly with the mighty Hungary.
However, we don't quite compare to the tactics of World Cup winners Italy, a nation that could win a penalty for a bee sting.
On second thoughts, maybe we should be more ruthless!